|Posted by Lorraine Serra on June 12, 2012 at 10:40 AM|
Can we get exhausted after long term concentrated effort to focus on the healing power of God?
I seem to have experienced a dip, a feeling of numbness, tiredness, even apathy towards the things of God, shut my mouth!
I can’t discipline myself to pray, I find it hard to sit quietly and worship. Where is my devotion, my love, my joy?
Have you ever experienced this? It is new to me. It is as if the let down after a moment of great excitement or triumph has overtaken me in the spirit as it can certainly do in the natural realm. Is that possible?
After standing firm for months in faith, doing battle against the enemy who sought to steal Ethan’s health, waging spiritual warfare in the heavenlies to secure his healing in Jesus name, claiming the victory and proclaiming Jesus saves, Jesus heals, miracles do happen……the excitement of watching each day of progress and declaring the greatness of the Lord…I feel stuck. It’s like the valley in contrast to the mountaintop.
Now we settle into a daily practice of marking each day by the measure of therapies accomplished and medications taken. Daily I’m praying God’s protection, but maintaining constant vigil by text over Ethan’s comings and goings.
Who is with him? Do they know what to do in case? Have they stored my number in their cell phone? Is Ethan tempering his activities to avoid injury? Will he remember to take his meds? Is he staying hydrated and avoiding the risk of becoming overheated? Do people understand him when he speaks? Will he be in danger around jerks who don’t know his story?
Obviously I know nothing about dealing with chronic illness or lifetime health conditions….I thought I did. After all, our son Ethan was born with a heart defect and underwent 3 heart surgeries by age 16 months. He maintained amazingly strong health until he suffered a stroke at age 4 ½ which left him with right side weakness, dystonia and toe walking.
We have encouraged him to live a normal life in spite of it, to engage in normal activities, even playing on a baseball team and weekly crazy Ultimate Frisbee. He has gone on mission trips and to amusement parks and swimming parties (most difficult for me, cuz he can’t swim). I’ve been training him to drive for a year.
For the last 14 years we have sworn not to baby him or treat him any differently in areas of discipline and education.
And by God’s grace all these years have been a gift of sharing this incredibly artistic, social, spiritual and sensitive person with our family and friends.
It is now one month since Ethan was released from inpatient rehab. For one month we have resumed life and attempted to jump into “normal” routines to finish up the school year, and incorporate bi-weekly therapy sessions into it all. By all outward indications, Ethan is doing great.
He has flourished among his friends, attended grad parties and bonfires and sleepovers and concerts. He has been pretty busy in the last 3 weekends, barely staying at home.
So, instead of deeply and genuinely rejoicing, why am I feeling low, even sad? God has blessed us to overwhelming proportions, so why am I not ecstatic and overjoyed?
I believe one reason is this: lack of intimacy with God. Hard to believe, right? But, truly, the fatigue physically and emotionally of 9 weeks of hospitalization and daily “storming the gates of heaven” has caught up with me. It’s like I need a spiritual break. Hah!! Honestly, this sounds ridiculous to me right at this moment, but it is how I feel.
I know the grace of God through Jesus has lavished benevolence and blessing and acceptance upon me; I am not being scored on my prayer time or Bible study or even conversation time with Jesus.
Yet, some part of me is missing that sweet essence of "Jesus Joy " because I have literally taken a break. I have immersed myself in the natural, and seem to be deliberately avoiding the spiritual. What’s up with that?
The other reason I believe has to do with looking too far down the path of the future for Ethan’s life, and concurrently, mine and John’s in relation to Ethan. I think I need some assurance and wisdom from others who have special needs children.
Though Ethan is fiercely independent and admirably able to do for himself in most areas of life, I note that there are pitfalls and challenges now that will possibly be his to deal with all his life. It is one thing to be the watchful guardian and loving parent of a child, but quite another to come alongside a young man. Ethan will be 18 next month, and we praise God for that.
But, what comes next? Only God knows. In my heart I know He is trustworthy and faithful…He will never let us fall. He has done miracles and proven His presence and care more than we could have asked or imagined time and time again.
So, once more, Lord, I come. You have not moved away, it is I. Renew my joy, the joy of my salvation, the intimacy of our relationship. Mold me and make me yours and yours alone. Melt my fears and doubts, strengthen me to stand still and see the salvation of God. To you be the glory forever and ever. I will worship, I will bow down, I will praise you and live my life for You, always.
I feel better now. Thanks be to my loving God and Father, and to His Precious Son Jesus, and to His Holy Spirit of life, hope and peace. I guess I just needed to acknowledge my problem, and My Solution…Jesus.
Just thought I'd share, and I'd be glad to receive your wisdom.