|Posted by Lorraine Serra on November 15, 2013 at 7:45 AM|
My voice remained hoarse and inaudible for a couple of weeks when I finally went to seek help with a specialist who confirmed I had developed serious nodules on my vocal chords. It was likely permanent damage and my best remedy was surgery, but there were no guarantees.
A blast of icy hot fear swept over me. I thought I would vomit, cry and pass out all at the same time! I wanted to scream, but my voice had been silenced.
What an idiot had been! So driven and obsessed with launching my big career that I managed to destroy any possibility of it altogether! I had ignored my husband’s concerns, abusing his feelings about it, all by running off to sing in a two bit, dive club in the middle of nowhere, with a bunch of guys I just met.
And for what? What in the world had I gained? The beautiful gift I had been given, this identity and the future that was hinging upon it, were destroyed, ended; it was all over before it had even begun.
The doctor offered a course of immediate action: absolute silence for three weeks. What!? Are you serious?
And so I embarked on my new odyssey with a notepad to scribble upon, and a developing talent for sign language and charades! I got home and scribbled on the pad a message for my husband to read. Sheer delight came over his face as he mouthed the words on the paper:
“Gotta keep my mouth shut. Doctor’s orders.”
He laughed and shouted hallelulia, jokingly, then held me in his arms as I cried.
It wasn’t cancer, or paralysis, or a serious infection, you know. Just some big old warts on my vocal chords. It wasn’t life threatening, yet, you have to understand that losing my voice was like losing my life.
My dad used to share his mother’s warning with us, “You made your bed, now lie in it.” Proverbs 16:25 says it more poetically; “There is a way that seems right to man, but its end leads to destruction.” So, I guess the point here is that a wise person seeks advice, and counsel before plunging in and throwing caution to the wind. As for me, I was learning this the hard way.
Depression, frustration, fear, and anger were my daily companions. Nothing mattered to me anymore. I became overwhelmingly hopeless. My sweet husband was so worried about me. But, what could he do? I had no desire to go on. I truly felt like I had no reason to live.
What can you do when all hope is gone? My dreams were shattered. I was scared. But, mostly, I felt pretty worthless without my voice.
Lord, remind us of the road we have travelled, and how faithful You have been, so when the next bump comes along, our confidence in You will never waver, but produce joy and peace in the journey all because You walk beside us. Amen.
Categories: Real Answers For Life