|Posted by Lorraine Serra on November 18, 2013 at 8:45 AM|
It has been 33 years since that fateful day when I wrecked my vocal cords. I still remember the fear and hopelessness that spelled a life of silence and frustration, uselessness and no future.
The words to a song we did recently in choir nailed my story so well…It is a modern version of the eternal problem of the human heart….
Will I rely on self, or on the God who has loved me with an everlasting love?
“I once was lost in darkest night, yet thought I knew the way,
The sin that promised joy and life had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own a rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first I would refuse You still
But as I ran my hell-bound race, indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state and led me to the cross.”
I was about one week into my mandatory silence. The deep frustration and hopelessness had reached a peak when I realized my best friend’s birthday was a couple of days away. I decided to take my eyes off myself for a minute and bring her a gift.
Jill was my best friend in the world. We had gone through grade school and high school together. Sleepovers, bike riding, school dances. We did everything together. Well, almost everything.
In high school Jill became a wild child, running around with different guys, partying like crazy. I worried about her. So, it was quite shocking when shortly after high school something happened to Jill.
Jill had become…a "Bible Thumper". Really! She drove me absolutely nuts because every time I would see her she would say, “Lorraine, do you know Jesus? Do you know God has a plan for your life? You need to repent and be saved. and read the Bible. You need Jesus!”
Looking at her in disbelief I would always say, “Jill, I know who Jesus is. I have been in church all my life. Get over it! Please, who do you think you are talking to? I even lead the worship band every Sunday. Of course, I know Jesus!”
But, I used to think to myself, “Jill, whatever you’ve found, I’m sure glad you straightened out because you were really messed up!”
Well, on this particular day, as I climbed the stairs to her apartment, it was I who was messed up. As I knocked on her door I half expected her to slam it right back in my face. It had been months since I had been in touch with Jill. She, like my husband, and everybody and everything in my life, had been placed on the back burner while I obsessively pursued my music career.
She opened the door, and to my surprise her face lit up with joy at the sight of me. “Lorraine! How great to see you. Where have you been, girl! Come on in!”
Her joy quickly changed to concern as I squeaked out in my inaudible, wretched shred of a voice, “Happy Birthday, Jill”.
“What’s wrong? Get in here and tell me what’s going on, right now!”
I felt like a fool. I felt like a mouse. I felt like a failure. But, I felt the love of my friend. I walked in.
Isn’t it amazing that the security of a loving relationship can give you courage to step in and be honest, or angry, or repentant?
"Lord, if You had not loved me first, I would refuse You still."
Categories: Real Answers For Life